my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
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10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
real
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Wait a minute…
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.