My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
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[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
just having fun
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot