My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
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How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Dear Lord..
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.