That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
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me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES