I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
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Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.