“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
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Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
And that about sums it up.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
i love modern commerce
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.