pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
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What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
The happy life.. 😊
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*