As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
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I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
“A little help here, Danny?”
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Jogging
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A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Many hands make light work
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“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.