As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
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How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor