My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
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My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material