“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
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Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor