me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
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Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.