Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
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Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I have never related to anyone more.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.