ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
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Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
me hooking up with my ex
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes