ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
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her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
This is I, Robot all over again
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normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I can’t wait!
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4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
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This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
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Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
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I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do