normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
You Might Also Like
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
my retirement plan is braless
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales