If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
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With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Holy moly
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids