is nasa ok
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Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.