The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
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If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
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My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”