The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
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*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
no regrets
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
the #horror is real!
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.