[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
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men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
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