If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
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All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Thanks to a fan for this one!
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.