Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
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Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk