We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
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I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
S M O L
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.