You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
You Might Also Like
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.