[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
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She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
i smell a pulitzer
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.