The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.