[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
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Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea