Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
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If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Fights fire with marshmallows
I put the mess in domestic.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.