There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
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Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around