@mariana057 There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
@NEthingButWork Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
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@mariana057 
@weinerdog4life Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
@a_simpl_man My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
@XplodingUnicorn Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
@myonlymizztake Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
@coffeeandvinyl1 Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
@UnFitz We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
@Jesssicle I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
@HepatitisAtoZ her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
@PriyankaLahiri_ We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around