knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
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I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.