I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
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pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back