Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
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A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.