Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
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went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”