I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
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*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
gm
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
bout dat hot dog summer
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do