Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
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Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress