cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
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When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.