I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
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She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
#TopTip
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.