STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
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You should be tunashamed of yourself!
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.