It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
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cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext