Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
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[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe