Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
You Might Also Like
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.