Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
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So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.