“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
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Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
😍😂🥰😂😍
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Alexa: *deep breath*
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Fight
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house