“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
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I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Owl Sanctuary
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?