Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
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murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Just me and my debit card against the world
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
had to make it
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients