*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
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Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.