my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
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“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.