I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
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An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.