I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
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4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir