I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
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omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
No, I don’t think I will.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas