I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
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Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
incredible book dedication
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I have a black belt in leather
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages