People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
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It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.