What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
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*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means